knuckle down

It is only the second day of what already feels to be a very long week. I just had a very big project go away and I am left feeling a little depressed. This always happens to me when something big goes away. It happened after law school graduation, it happened after the bar exam, and it happened after winning summary judgment on my first huge case. Times that normally are times for celebration, but they always carry an element of sadness for me. It gives me time. Time to reflect on what I have done and what I am doing with my life. Don't get me wrong, I feel wonderful about what I believe is my greatest accomplishment - Little Pete. But, I mean all the other stuff.

In many respects, I feel my life has gone backwards. One of my first jobs was my dream job. (No, not serving at Planet Hollywood!) While I was in law school, I started down the path to my ideal career. I worked with domestically abused immigrant women helping them acquire U.S. citizenship in Miami. The job was so fulfilling and rewarding. Those type of positions weren't available in Minneapolis. So I tried the Hennepin County Attorney's Office, Violent Crime Division. The trial I worked on while I was there resulted in the conviction of a rapist who should have been locked up years before. Again, very rewarding. Again, no positions. On to private practice - civil litigation, I hadn't tried that yet. I started working on plaintiff personal injury and civil rights cases. I believed as long as I was working in the civil rights area, and working for the "little person," I was still true to my calling. The problem - I couldn't stand the clients. What I did not understand earlier, that I soon learned, was that plaintiffs in civil rights cases are usually not just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyway, onto the defense. Representing the machine. At least that is what I thought defense work meant in law school. Now I understand the term frivolous. That is where I am at this point. Most of the time I like it and most of the time I am satisfied with it. But there are those days when I question, "What am I doing?" There has to be something more!

And then there is the social side of my life. What happened to the party girl - the dancer in me? Well, she is still there, she just is not at the clubs until 2 a.m., because she is tired at 10 p.m. K - I still dance like a maniac in the living room. Hardwood floors and socks are the best for getting your groove on and perfecting the Taylor Hicks! But the other day I was going through boxes and found my little Miami dress and those great red pants I had on for New Year's Eve 2000. I sighed, and put them back in the box. Well actually, first I tried on the dress and broke out in dance when I realized it fit - like a glove, but it is supposed to, and then I put them back in the box. I am quite sure I will never wear them again - at least not outside the walls of my house. But I want to!

So, what should I make of all this? Part of me says just be happy, its pretty good. My friend who recently moved told me 70% happiness was the target goal. I think I have more than that. But the other part of me wants even more. More, more, more! This is both a strength and a weakness that I have always had. As long as I am not supersizing my McDonald's orders, I think it is okay. My mother used to tell me that I would never miss out on anything for lack of asking (or begging). She meant this in a bad way, but I choose to hear it as a positive. At the same time, she told me repeatedly to never settle. So far, I don't believe I have.

I will turn 30 in less than 2 months and I am still asking. The problem is, I don't always understand what I am asking for. I actually am afraid of what I will miss out on if I don't ask, so on occasion I ask for more than I can handle. The dilemma is best sung by Ani Difranco:

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this
'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

I want to be learn to be satisfied, because I am. But I don't want to forget that "star struck girl." I am not sure where the next path will take me or when. Until then, I am going to be ok with this. Unless someone is free to go dancing Friday night?