Warning: Mild Violence. Brief Nudity.

As an attorney practicing products liability, I am all too familiar with warning signs - warning signs, warning signs, everywhere warning signs. Every time I read ridiculous verbiage plastered on a package, I dream up the Statement of Facts that set the lawsuit into play that resulted in the "Warning!" Currently the list includes a Double Burner, i.e, a portable stove with two burners. Stamped between the two burners is the following urgent message: WARNING: DO NOT USE AS A PORTABLE HEATER! A Humidifier contains the phrase, WARNING: THIS HUMIDIFIER PRODUCES STEAM. And a deep fryer that goes into specifics - CAUTION: Use Caution when deep frying flour tortillas. Flour tortillas contain air bubbles. During deep frying oil can become trapped in these bubbles. If not properly drained, bubbles can burst and cause burns. Therefore, after deep frying tortillas, carefully raise them out of the cooking oil, and allow oil to drain for 30 seconds. Warning signs. Very useful.

Recently, I was on a business trip where I had to drive for miles and miles by myself late at night (early in the morning) to what seemed like the very tip of Long Island. I was lost outside the airport and then again in Queens. Apparently, "Airport Exit" was not deemed a very useful posting in New York. After I made my way onto the road I was to travel until the highway ended, I started paying attention to the Signs. Warning Signs. As I drove, I contemplated how useful some of these signs would be while off-roading as well:

1. Do Not Cross Buffer: There are many different definitions of "buffer." The applicable ones are: "a cushion-like device that reduces shock due to contact; to protect from impact; 'cushion the blow' [syn: cushion, soften]." I use people as buffers to other people. You know what I am talking about. There are certain people you won't go to lunch with or have drinks with without a buffer. Buffers are good. Leave them in place. Do not cross. I like the reminder.

2. Sharp Turn: There are so many. I would appreciate the "heads up".

3. No Trucks or Buses in Right Lane: So not really a warning for those of us that do not drive trucks or buses, but I would take this lane every time. All I hear every time I am in the car with Little Pete now is "Whooo. . . Mama, Big Duck! Mama, Bus! Bus! M A M A!" This is repeated over and over to until we reach our final destination. By the way, "Duck" is "Truck."

4. Dead End: Anything that can help avoid this mistake would be good. For instance, when I am trying to explain to Little Pete why he cannot go outside at 9:00 p.m., if someone could hold up this sign, it might save me some time. I could move right on to "Because."

5. Minimum Speed 40 mph: This warning is not useful to me, but to others in my life. No slow pace here. Keep up. Little Pete seems to have no problem with this. On occasion, Peter does.

6. Abrupt Stops: See above. Again, a warning for others - stay back a safe distance.

7. Low Flying Aircraft: I just like it.

Before beginning the movie I am currently watching I was warned: Mild Violence. Brief Nudity. Again, good heads up. You think I am digressing, however, I hear this could be a useful road sign. A slightly altered version of this would have been good for Peter the other day when he drove up and looked over at the man in the car next to him. He was only wearing a bra. Peter laughed violently - but not until after the light turned green.