Homeland: A Visitor's Guide

The Wisconsin license plate on my Chevy HHR rental (what an odd vehicle) does not seem even remotely unfamiliar. Glancing at the plate upon pick-up from stall 38, it seems as though the plate on the car I drive has always had a white background with black lettering and some red details. Fond memories of my Pontiac Sunbird come rushing back - like that scene in Flatliners, only not so scary. If only Sweet Child 'O Mine was flooding the radio waves, all would be perfect. It's not. I turn the radio louder anyway, Snow Patrol is good, (doesn't everyone really just want someone to lay with them and just forget the world?) but just not the same.

Driving with the windows down into the city of Milwaukee, the air smells vaguely familiar - vaguely. Something is missing. Perhaps it is the absence of cows. Their absence on the side of the road, however, is more than compensated for by the abundance of cows filling shelves of novelty stores along Michigan Avenue, attempting to bring in all the tourists that the State of Wisconsin draws - the Packers, the Brewers, the House on the Rock - who wouldn't come here to buy their necessary cow coasters, T-shirts, shot glasses? Oh - and I shouldn't forget the green and gold - you can get anything - everything in green and gold (which reminds me, I have to stop on my way tomorrow and get that cheese head for Little Pete - you think I am joking, don't you?)

Wisconsin also offers great cuisine. I love the part where the waiters repeatedly address you as "My Queen" throughout dinner - checking in on you say, oh five or six times. No numbers were left on the table. Just a nice tip. That I am not paying for anyway. And to think, I originally snubbed the hotel's recommendation of Applebee's.

The Courtyards in Wisconsin are unprecedented for the amenities. No hand towels in the rooms - it's just a waste anyway. Instead, there are bigger and better bath towels! Blankets - who needs them? The Courtyard Milwaukee Downtown has fancy bed runners that will warm your feet - really the most important part. My mother used to tell me if your feet are warm, the rest of you will be warm. Or am I confusing that with the one about heat escaping from the head, so always wear a hat? Whatever, Courtyard sells hats in its market - they say "GB." They also sell beer. Miller. The Courtyard has a whirlpool that comes with its own gang. A sales person, a marketing consultant and a land developer. No leisure book reading here. When I grew tired of the talk of timber and the President being in town (or maybe it was that I was insulted by the comments about how no would ever guess I was a mother), I was able to retire to my room and choose between drinking a $3.00 bottle of water or a $3.00 pot of Starbuck's coffee,which is proudly brewed here!

I am tired of being a visitor. Maybe I should go for a ride in my burnt orange vehicle. Roll the windows down. Chase cars. That feels more like Home.